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Comedy/Satire

2010 – Top 10 events!

Note: The author of these futuristic observations is neither a political analyst nor an astrological adviser to any senior or junior politician. Hence, the readers are requested to take these random reflections on future events in their own spirit – damn seriously.

1. January 15. Our beloved Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu makes up his mind to quit the chair for a day, for a single day – for 24 hours. Handles over the reins to – imagine – “Puratchi Kalaingar”. The ‘acting’ Chief Minister humbly accepts the offer. His fans throng the Secretariat to have a glimpse of him in his new attire. “Puratchi Kalingar” refuses to come out, since he is busy with officials. However decides to make an appearance from the top floor to appease the fans and reminds them that for him its always ‘duty comes first’.

Puratchi + Kalaingar

Puratchi + Kalaingar

Puratchi + Kalaingar

Back into the office the ‘acting’ Chief Minister lines up his officials and starts in his unique style. Sensing corruption with every breath around him retorts back with thundering statistics: “Our honourable state Tamil Nadu was formed on 18-07-1967 with a total area of 130058 sq. kms of which 22933.79 sq. kms is forest land. With Chennai as capital, 39 Lok Sabha constituencies, 235 State Assembly constituencies, we have 30 revenue districts, 73 revenue divisions, 206 revenue taluks, 1120 revenue firkas and 17244 revenue villages. With a population of 62405679 – men 31400909 and women 31004770, literacy rate at 73.50%, average per capita income Rs.25965, with one of the finest infra structures in India – 3851 kms best national highways and 55796 kms state highways running across the state and 3991 kms of rail tracks, we should by now have set an example to the whole country. But our state of affairs doesn’t seem so. Why? What is the reason behind this sorry state of affairs? Who is to be blamed for our failure? Its you! You people have dragged down our beloved state to such despicable condition. And again what is the reason? Corruption! Your selfishness and cowardice has brought innumerable miseries for those millions living down the streets. Now, what do you expect me to do in a single day – in 24 hours?”

But, despite his thundering fireworks the officials seem unmoved and unperturbed.  Concluding that those bureaucrats would never repent, our ‘acting’ Chief Minister decides to the make most of his power and teach those imbeciles a lesson.  He quietly walks towards the door, locks it, throws the key out through the window, and starts jumping between the closed walls performing his screen stunts.

The next day, taking back the reins and resuming his duties, our beloved ‘leader of tamils of the world’ writes a letter in “Murasoli” commenting, “Our beloved leader Anna once said, “Violence is a double – edged sword”. But my dear brethren, that’s for violent people ….”

2. Mid February. In an unexpected turn of sequence of events, the US witnesses a series of riots, leading to the dissolution of the Congress and the Senate, ending up in a Constitutional crisis. The majority of the populace demands Sarah Palin to take the reins of the government and a ‘long march’ organized to Alaska, to the offices of the present Governor. Governor Palin flies to Washington to put an end to the crisis and assumes office as President of the United States. The first few orders she signs in, within hours

Stop killing Whales!

Stop killing Whales!

Stop Whale hunting!

assuming office: i) Unconditional and immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq and Afghanistan – no more spending tax payers’ money on war. ii) Drill every inch of Alaska for oil. iii) Stop Whale hunting – better kill species that have more scales and step up lipstick production. iv) Stop nuclear proliferation – back to “Star Wars”. v) Black is beautiful – beauty deserves its place, museums /dungeons.

3. Early March. India invades China, vanquishes the enemy lines and ‘liberates’ Tibet. Dalai Lama sworn in as Prime Minister, offers M. K. Narayanan to take charge of the Foreign Ministry in view of his ‘memorable’ services in liberating the nation. The latter politely declines the offer, noting that his services are required in his home country. Further comments, that such matter of high significance should not have been uttered in public.

4. An uneventful April, is marred by a quake in Indian Ocean. Drilling of Palk Straits post–poned indefinitely, citing environmental calamity. Tamil Nadu mourns over the loss of projected developmental projects. The Chief Minister appeals to the centre to lease drilling at some undisclosed destination.

5. May 1. Rajini Kanth declares retirement. In a press conference convened to explain the reasons for his unexpected decision, categorically denies rumors about moving to Mt. Kailash. When questioned about ‘politics’, the actor ruled out the possibility stating, “Man proposes, God disposes”.

6. June 10. Ailing senior BJP leader Vajpayee concedes the ‘possibility’ of the involvement of senior BJP leaders in the demolition of Babri Masjid. Reacting to the veteran leader’s comments, Mr. Advani issued a press statement observing that the senior leader is ill, and had frequent bouts of dementia. Mr. Advani further disclosed to the press his next agenda “Nav Dikh Yatra”. The cadres of BJP from eight corners of the nation, from eight directions are to conduct ‘yatras’ towards Delhi, while Mr. Advani himself will stay in the capital, performing yagnas purported to cleanse the nation of foreign ‘elements’.

7. July 17. A sting operation planned and executed by a national media institution, unfolded into a scandal involving many senior journalists. The targets of the ‘operation’, some well placed bureaucrats, receiving a tip – off from a journalist, maneuvered skillfully to turn the “operators of the operation” fall prey to their well laid out traps. After some initial sensation on the release of tapes exposing senior media persons receiving ‘packets’ and seen in ‘uncompromising’ positions, the issue were laid to rest. It is assumed that some sort of ‘understanding’ was arrived at between the bureaucrats and the media persons about not exposing each other in the eyes of the public.

8. Late August. Rajapakse regime acquitted of alleged war crimes that were said to have been committed by the Sri Lankan army by the end of the civil war in Sri Lanka, in May 2009. The case taken up by the International Court of Justice after immense pressure from the US and the European Union, declared its judgment based on extensive field investigations conducted by the reputed Indian intelligence agency. The task was assigned to the above agency, taking into consideration it’s close proximity to Sri Lanka and it’s hands-off policy with regard to the internal affairs of neighboring nations.

9. Apocalypse.

2010-top-10-events

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